Where on Earth should I start with this dog?
In a nut shell, Piper is an over-sized Teddy bear with an under-sized brain. If he were human, he’d be the guy who laughs loudly at your jokes without the slightest idea of why it’s funny. He’s a good soul trapped in an ignorant body.
“Why is this dog the way he is? I thought Golden Retrievers are smart,” you might say. The ugly truth about Piper is that he is the disastrous result of experimental breeding. His father got together with Piper’s sister and voila; an idiot is born.
Piper is my wife’s dog, so I haven’t known him his whole life. He earned the nickname, “Numnuts” in his first few months of life simply because he feared everything. To this day he still fears many, many things. Like darkness, things that wave, and backing up. If he can’t go forward or to the side he’ll just stand there for about 15 minutes, then bark and wait for help. He once had such a terrible hot spot that a cone was needed over his head. He would hit his cone against walls, tables, and chairs and stand stalk still, petrified. He hit his cone against my leg too, which jolted him so he stopped and jerked his head up at me. “What?” his eyes questioned. I pet him and walked off. He stood there for 15 minutes. Typically, if Piper feels stuck he will sound off a high-pitched pitiful yelp-bark or a “yark” as I call them. The first night he had his cone he walked into the bedroom (very carefully) and stood on his doggy bed. I had to physically lay him down since he was too afraid. Later that night we woke up to his yark and found that he had stood up, went forward towards the wall and looked like he got suction cupped to it. He refused to back up and needed help. And so there was a muffled, “Yark!”
He also fears the sound his dog tags make against his food bowl and the water bucket. Piper will go to get a drink, his tags will clink against the bucket and he will jerk back with this, “I’m so thirsty, but I’m so scared” look on his face. He rarely wears his collar anymore.
Piper still has normal dog qualities though. He won’t pass up the chance to eat used tissues, dog doo, or even used “feminine products”. Heck no. He’ll even take time out of his busy schedule to lay down behind your feet in hopes you might tumble over him, or he’ll lick you directly after eating one of the unmentionables above.
This brings me to my next subject; Piper’s tongue. It’s probably the best thing about him. When he uses it he is very meticulous and thorough, so he gives the
best foot massages. I know, I know, “Eeeewww!” but after a hard day of delivering mail over eleven miles of walking, it’s Heaven on Earth. Besides, that’s what showers are for. It’s not just feet that Piper likes to lick, it’s all kinds of stuff. Skin, the floor, the table, and especially metal. He could lick metal for hours. You know how some people over exaggerate and say, “Look out, my dog will lick you to death”? Piper actually will. So we have to be careful when we put Aidan on the floor because he won’t have a face if Piper gets enough lick time.
Piper also enjoys lazily thrusting at the air sporadically with his hips. I kid you not when I say that sometimes he will be pumping the air, blank-faced, with his front half trying to make a break for it. It's as though he is dominating himself without his approval.
As for my dog, Hunter doesn’t hump him or beat him up or do anything violent really, he just acts like Piper doesn’t exist.
Hunter will drop toys on him:
He will sit on him:
And there was one time, a few years back, when he actually relieved his bowels on Piper while we were all on a road trip.
Piper is now nine years old going on fourteen. He’s developing arthritis, can’t hear as well, and his face is all white. We can recall the day we first saw those gray hairs on his muzzle because it was at the end of our first cross-country trip; he was six. We didn’t want any doggy projectiles in case of an accident so Piper wore a seat belt. He worried the whole time.
We think he’s aging faster because of the incestuous breeding. We’re not sure how much longer he has.
Thanks for being such a great source of comic relief Piper, we will miss you when you’re gone. So here is a poem just for you.
Your ways are so quirky, to this I confess.
Yet when you crap on our flowers, we love you no less.
You’ve brought us so much love, laughter, and joy.
I hope that you’re there, to see Aidan, the boy.
But those are His rules, that all life must end.
This family is grateful that you were our friend.
